grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
