The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
