Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
