I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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