Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
