you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize