man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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