I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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