Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just forgot I was standing up.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
