Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
