I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
