I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
