I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
