Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
