Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
