i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
