The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
