listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
