I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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