I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
