mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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