I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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