How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
