new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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