I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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