even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
