I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
