I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
