started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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