everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
