I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
