WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
