I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize