Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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