He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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