Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
