I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
