I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
