I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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