I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
