I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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