he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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