I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
