the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
