2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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