There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
YAS. BRING CRAB.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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