Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
