Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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