some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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