You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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