can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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