i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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