sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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