i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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